It has been a day of tears and a day of laughter, a day of life and a day of death. Yesterday night, my cat who was 2 years old and who was born in Cusco, Peru whom I had rescued from the streets, spent the entire night snuggled into the crook of my left elbow following me with her eyes and just loving me when she was not asleep. She also did something she had never done before this whole time when she stayed with me in my room to try to recuperate and recover her health; she stared at the window with a stare that showed me she saw beyond, and I felt that she was seeing a freedom for herself that she had not had since she became ill. She was longing for something beyond the limits of the window. I had asked the Lord for a sign last night to see if I should have her put to sleep today and when I saw her stare out the window wistfully when she was not looking into my face, I knew that was the sign I had to release her. I had been selfish, I had wanted to prolong her life so I could have her with me. I know what she had gone through in her 2 years of life and I have seen the transformation in her life from a kitten of 8 weeks old who had to fend for herself on the streets to being uprooted to the city of Lima on a plane, to living a life of timidity and fear for the first 9 months of her life in my apartment hiding and not trusting, to finally allowing me to pet her, and to allow herself to receive the love I gave her. What I did not realize was that she loved me too, although she did not show it too much. I did not realize it until I came back from my 3 weeks vacation in Vancouver and discovered that she had not eaten the whole time I was gone because she missed me.
Her treatment was complicated and expensive and I spent as much as I could but could go no further. Then the vet suggested that if I could not go through with the treatment in its entirety, I might have to consider putting her to sleep. I saw so much life in her eyes I knew we had to keep fighting. That day, when we got home, she ate on her own for the first time in a month. I was ecstatic and thought that we were home free. She did eat for a bit but then we had to move and the stress of that caused a relapse and she stopped eating again. In the house we moved to, I kept her in my room, in my bed, under my down comforter to keep her warm as she was constantly cold. She basically stayed in my bed and got off it every now and then to wander around a little and to drink and use her litter box. And it was really comforting to have her sleep with me even though I don't generally like to sleep with pets. I would have in my selfishness, let her keep going until she passed on on her own but every time I held her and felt her skeletal frame I knew she was suffering and that her body was feeding on itself and so I had to make the decision. On Dec 7, 2010 at 1:00pm Hannah died peacefully in my arms at home after the vet administered a potent dose of anaesthesia. I dug a grave for the first time in my life and I'm just grateful that I have a yard to be able to bury her in and not have to throw her out in a garbage bag. On her grave I planted a large aloe vera plant, a plant known for its healing. Hannah did not get healed herself but that plant will be able to be used to help heal others.
Hannah taught me that no matter what, I have to keep loving. She was an abandoned street kitten and only knew the ways of the street. For a long time even though she lived in my apartment with me and was fed by me and was loved, she was unable to trust enough to receive and accept it for herself. But the turning point came when she had to undergo spaying and was helpless and vulnerable during her recovery period. She had to learn to trust me to care for her. I learned that with this ministry that I will be doing with street youth, I will have to learn from Hannah. For a while, I might not see the result of my loving on them and they might hide and run from me and even scratch me in their mistrust. But the day will come when they will see that I am not going anywhere and that I am here to care for and love them and then I will see the fruit. Like with Hannah, I have to keep loving these youth no matter what. However, there will also be youth who have been abandoned but yet still have a trusting and yielded heart like my dog, Mayah who was also abandoned. I would have wallowed in tears today had it not have been the clownish and endearing antics of Mayah that made me laugh. I also know that I will meet many Hannahs and also Mayahs in this ministry that we are embarking on. And I am trusting the Lord to give me the grace (Hannah) to love them so they will eventually have a soft and yielded heart to get close to God (Mayah). The name Hannah means grace and favour. The name Mayah means close to God.
Thank you Hannah for teaching me that love is a commitment and showing me what faithfulness is. And thank you Mayah for being who you are, open hearted and pure of heart. I love you both so much.
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