For One...

So many times I ask myself what I'm doing. When I'm surrounded only by my non English speaking, let alone non speaking dogs, I think of what I am missing. People who speak, in any language that I can understand would be wonderful to have around. To talk to someone face to face would be nice sometimes. I wonder so many times if what I'm here to do in Peru makes a dent in someone's life. If my life is an example of what it is to follow Christ or Y'shua. If my life brings people closer to Him. If it's worth me being alone, I guess it must be worth it. I have to admit that I am not an angel and I don't always feel like it's worth it. I know what it's costing me. I know what it is to feel isolation and to fight fear on your own. I know what it's like to wonder where the sound of banging doors are coming from and if an intruder is downstairs when my dogs are barking their heads off. I know what it feels like to fight spiritual battles that have no understanding and that I cannot explain to anyone else. I know what it's like to have to keep everything inside and hope that I won't explode because there isn't anyone I can share with because they don't fully understand all that is happening. 


Yet sometimes I try, I try to share but then when I get a polite just suck it up and move on, I shove it all back inside again. Yes, I have learned to depend on God, I have learned to stand and also to battle with Him, I have learned to not fear. I have learned to praise and worship in whatever circumstances I'm in. But mankind was not made to be alone, to go through everything alone and to be isolated. Ecclesiaistes says so and so does Genesis. But suck it up and move on, I must because I realize that there is much more at stake and there is no one around. I cannot see it, I have to admit, all that is at stake. I don't want to give up any more of my own life. Y'shua already did that for all mankind and I'm not Him, so why must I do that? What more must I do? 


Then, out of the blue, I get feedback. I get someone who tells me that I apparently have touched them in some way and they appreciate me. I mean something to them. I was there and is there for them still. And my love for the Word was contagious enough for them to want more of the Word for themselves. So, like any girly female, I bawl. I tear up and cry buckets.  Because to one life it was worth the sacrifice.