Sometimes it's hard when we think we believed and had faith and things didn't happen like we thought they would. I don't think we can ever understand the whys and hows of things that happen only that God is in control, He has a purpose and that whatever the enemy seeks for evil, the Lord will turn around for good. And sometimes things happen to humble us. To remind us that it's God who is in control and not anything we do or say or declare.
LG died this morning. The International Day of Women. A beautiful woman of 29 years of age who looked older than she was except when I saw her in the hospital bed. She had 3 kids and had spent her entire life basically on the streets and on drugs. She didn't live on the streets but she spent her time there and when we met her, she had already been selling her body for a long time. The last time I spoke to her was about 2.5 weeks ago. She said she didn't believe that what she did was a sin. I tried to converse with her a little after that, not to pummel in the fact that I disagreed with her, but more to let her know I still cared for her no matter what she thought. She had on her wall and when I asked if she was ok, she said she was tired. I told her if she needed to talk I was there to listen cos she looked closed off and distant like she had something on her mind. She smiled and said no, she was just tired. The next time I saw her was in a hospital bed, unconscious. And 2 days after that, she was dead.
She didn't know she was going to die the last time we spoke. She was determined to defend her stance and what she did. She was not going to let God in because she didn't want to change, she was afraid to because she thought she could do no better. And so she challenged me with her statement.
I spent today wondering what I could have done differently, how I could have helped more, shared the Word better, prayed better, declared life over her more. I don't know. I felt I had failed. God gave me a task and I failed. She died. And I have no idea if she called out to Jesus in the spirit while she was unconscious or if she remained stubborn even then. Luchin says we will know when we see her face at the wake tomorrow. He tried to tell me I couldn't have done anything differently, that she had to make the decision. I couldn't make it for her. Yet, if I had shown more love, shared the Word better, maybe she would have understood better and decided to receive the Lord into her life. I just want to know if she made the decision for Christ. I don't want her to be separated from Him forever in hell.
But then, as bad as I might feel, it's not about me. It's not about what I could have done better or differently. God is in control. And I believe that He who loves us so much did give LG another chance to know Him even while she was unconscious. Perhaps only when she was in that state could she actually hear Him and what He had to tell her. Perhaps it was only in that state could she actually understand His love for her and choose Him. And perhaps, when she did make that decision to choose Him, He took her to spare her more pain and misery in her life here on earth as she would probably have gone back to doing what she knew best.
I don't know. I only know that I need to go to her wake tomorrow. I also know that I need to love the other girls on the streets more unconditionally and I also know that God is using this all to speak to them in a stronger way. All I know is that what the enemy intends for evil, God will turn around for good. And I trust my God.
LG died this morning. The International Day of Women. A beautiful woman of 29 years of age who looked older than she was except when I saw her in the hospital bed. She had 3 kids and had spent her entire life basically on the streets and on drugs. She didn't live on the streets but she spent her time there and when we met her, she had already been selling her body for a long time. The last time I spoke to her was about 2.5 weeks ago. She said she didn't believe that what she did was a sin. I tried to converse with her a little after that, not to pummel in the fact that I disagreed with her, but more to let her know I still cared for her no matter what she thought. She had on her wall and when I asked if she was ok, she said she was tired. I told her if she needed to talk I was there to listen cos she looked closed off and distant like she had something on her mind. She smiled and said no, she was just tired. The next time I saw her was in a hospital bed, unconscious. And 2 days after that, she was dead.
She didn't know she was going to die the last time we spoke. She was determined to defend her stance and what she did. She was not going to let God in because she didn't want to change, she was afraid to because she thought she could do no better. And so she challenged me with her statement.
I spent today wondering what I could have done differently, how I could have helped more, shared the Word better, prayed better, declared life over her more. I don't know. I felt I had failed. God gave me a task and I failed. She died. And I have no idea if she called out to Jesus in the spirit while she was unconscious or if she remained stubborn even then. Luchin says we will know when we see her face at the wake tomorrow. He tried to tell me I couldn't have done anything differently, that she had to make the decision. I couldn't make it for her. Yet, if I had shown more love, shared the Word better, maybe she would have understood better and decided to receive the Lord into her life. I just want to know if she made the decision for Christ. I don't want her to be separated from Him forever in hell.
But then, as bad as I might feel, it's not about me. It's not about what I could have done better or differently. God is in control. And I believe that He who loves us so much did give LG another chance to know Him even while she was unconscious. Perhaps only when she was in that state could she actually hear Him and what He had to tell her. Perhaps it was only in that state could she actually understand His love for her and choose Him. And perhaps, when she did make that decision to choose Him, He took her to spare her more pain and misery in her life here on earth as she would probably have gone back to doing what she knew best.
I don't know. I only know that I need to go to her wake tomorrow. I also know that I need to love the other girls on the streets more unconditionally and I also know that God is using this all to speak to them in a stronger way. All I know is that what the enemy intends for evil, God will turn around for good. And I trust my God.
Amen sister, sometimes we don't understand but He doesn't call us to understand He calls us to trust.
ReplyDeletePraying for you.